Photo taken at Matarangi Beach, Coromandel (NZ)
Looking back over the last week, I can pinpoint an exact moment when things changed for the better. The exact moment I thought to myself, “I’m sick of feeling like this, I’m sick of these thoughts running around in circles”. The exact moment it happened, I had this out of body experience. It felt like I had taken a step back and watched myself from the outside. And as I watched on, I thought, “why am I getting involved in something that doesn’t benefit me nor does it have to have this negative impact on me”. So with that, I finally let go of what was holding me back. I let go of taking on problems that weren’t mine to solve & I accepted the fact that these things happened but they are now in the past. It was the conclusion to one chapter in my life that I hope I never have to open again.
I don’t think the finer details matter so much now, I think all that matters is that I’m heading in a better direction.
(photo idea from this image)
Two years ago, I got a tattoo on my forearm saying “breathe” as seen here, as a constant reminder to stop and appreciate life, not to get too wound up and remember to step away from certain situations. It works on most occasions when my forearm is in sight….other times? not so much.
After not working for the past two days due to stress related reasons, this post ‘Have you overloaded your life?’ couldn’t have popped up at a better time. Now excuse me while I have a bath & read Scoop like Yaz has recommended!
Happy weekend all! x
Today I found myself driving to the South Perth foreshore, parking up in the rain and having a good cry. I had just heard something I didn’t want to hear and a flood of emotions washed over me today & I found myself calling my best friend S in New Zealand. But she wasn’t in NZ, she was on her way from Brisbane to Auckland which was a good 4 hour flight (she’s an air hostess).
Those 4 hours felt like a lifetime but once I finally heard from her, I had calmed down & could finally think straight. It feels like it’s been weeks since we’ve last talked properly because in between her flying & my exams, our free times have clashed. It also doesn’t help that I’m 4 hours behind so by the time I finish work on a good day, it’s bed time in NZ….that’s if she’s home, flying doesn’t keep her home much.
The conversation was brief but we’ve arranged a time we’re both free tomorrow…finally. It’s days like today that I really hate having my best friend 8,000 km’s away. I long for the days where I can get in my car & drive to her house, or like 5 years ago, where I could walk to her house around the corner. I’m fortunate that I’ve gotten to see her so many times a year recently but with the chaos in both our lives at the moment, the future is looking very uncertain. We always manage something, so who knows.
Hanging up the phone tonight, both of us in tears, made me realise I need her around more often.
This week, I gave back the keys for what was my home for the past 7 months. I’m not sure if it was the last visit to the place or the fact that my old housemate KM has left for Dubai, but I’ve been feeling rather down. As soon as my alarm clock has gone off at 5:38am, I have dreaded the days ahead of work all day & uni at night. I guess since moving 40 minutes away from work & uni 3 weeks ago, it’s taking its toll on me. I come home exhausted, with no motivation to do any uni assignments….even though one is due this Friday & another next week.
This isn’t like me so I’m hoping this feeling goes away soon. I hired a treadmill yesterday which will be arriving tomorrow but I’m afraid it’s 2 weeks too late. But like that old cliche` goes, better late than never huh? I’m just thinking back to this time last year when I hired a treadmill and just how much it improved my moods and my studying….cannot wait to be in that mind frame again!
I went to see a school counsellor last week to help me deal with all the stress of full time work & study but he pretty much told me what I already know: to remain calm, I need to put back all the things I’ve brushed aside which is exercise and regular catch ups with friends.
I thought back to semester 1, 2011 (this time last year) and the reason I survived that semester was because one, I had a treadmill and two, I went for regular walks around the block every few hours when I was studying/doing assignments on weekends.
I’ve taken his advice, as soon as I come home from work in the evenings, I go for a quick 30 minute walk around the neighbourhood before making dinner. I went four times during the week, did lots of walking around the shops yesterday and I’ve managed to do two walks today, one alone and one with a friend.
And you know what? 30 minutes of walking around the block isn’t going to make me fail. Sitting inside and getting frustrated will though! I can feel the old Anna, the calmer one returning and I’m loving every minute of it! Plus, I live in a gorgeous area, must remember to bring my phone next time to get some photos.
I spent a lot of time at home this weekend. I go through those periods where I’m extremely busy and then quite the opposite soon after. I didn’t have any definite plans this weekend so I kept to myself. I took my time getting out of bed in the mornings, I attempted to study but the thought of it was too much- I didn’t accomplish much. I went for walks both days, went furniture shopping and attempted to go clothes shopping but mission unsuccessful once again.
There’s 51 hours from the time I leave the office on a Friday evening to the time I have to return Monday morning and what exactly did I do with that time? I feel like most of this weekend cannot be explained. I spent a lot of time emptying my mind of all my thoughts and filling it with new day dreams and fantasies. I feel better now than I have in weeks. I feel like I have more inspiration and more drive. I’ve been missing them both.
This week, I’m going to my new place & dropping off some of my things. My new room is still occupied so I’m just waiting impatiently for that to be empty so I can finally move in.
I finished work yesterday. After three years and leaving three times prior, this time it was for good. See, all the other previous times I left on extended holidays & whenever I returned, my position was still open. This time, I’ve left because I’ve realised I need to do something new.
When you’re no longer satisfied with work and hate getting up in the morning- you know it’s time for a change. I was always afraid to make changes in my life, especially such big ones because I had this bad cloud hanging over my head..”what if I’ll never be satisfied in what I do?” or “What if I’ll never find anything that fits around study so well?”
But if anything I’ve learnt from cognitive therapy, it’s that the words ‘never’ and ‘always’ don’t exist, they are merely some words that distort our thinking. There’s no such thing as never or always. Things are constantly changing, altering, modifying.
So here’s to all the amazing people I’ve met over the past three years, all the things they have taught me and all the lessons I have learnt along the way. This week marks the end of one journey, now time for a exciting new adventure!